sometimes when

things feel broken or like I can't catch a break. I remind myself that things in my life are just things.
There are people that matter and they make an effort, and the ones that don't, well I guess I just move on.
Do you ever wonder what it would be like to actually be the one who snaps back, what would it be like to spend a day not being the bigger person? I can't even imagine...
The high road sometimes gets lonely.

I need to remember...
It's just a bad day, not a bad life. (author unknown) 

I need to remember to count my blessings. I have a beautiful healthy son. A husband who works hard to provide for us and loves me unconditionally. He supports me in my writing pursuits and is the best man I know. I have an amazing family and extended family. I have a few great relationships with friends that I know won't break my heart. Sometimes being an adult and creating lasting friendships is harder than I thought it would be. Especially being a Mom with a young babe. It takes work and understanding. It takes people who love you not matter what and don't judge you or bad talk you when you walk out of the room. I have a few people in my life that have made me become a better version of myself and I am truly grateful for you, you know who you are.

Am I taking on a new project and doing something that people maybe didn't know about me, yes I am. Have I always liked writing? YES, I was one of the editor's for my high school newspaper. (little known fact) I am proud of what I am doing and the woman I am. I am learning acceptance of myself. My Mom and I talk that it takes years and years to find out who you really are. It's not turning 18, or graduating college, or getting married, or becoming a mother that defines you. I am learning every day, week, month, and year who I am. It is a helluva journey and I'm trying to take in every moment of it.

And for your viewing pleasure, my adorable baby.

Xo,
Kelli

he never ever stops moving.

he's like the energizer bunny, that one. 

thankful.

At this time of year I love being reminded to be grateful. I hope I don't take things for granted in my life, but sometimes thanking my family and friends for their love and support slips away. Which is something I am desperately trying to work on. Since becoming a mother my thankful meter has been amplified by a lot. My son is so amazing. I love him more than a four letter word could describe- it isn't enough of a word to explain the depth of my love for my child. I am so grateful to my husband, for making me a Mother, for being an incredible father and provider. I am so LUCKY to have these boys in my life. I can't even imagine a life without them. I am grateful for friends who know me, are loyal to me, and teach me how to be a better person. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow. I love learning new things and hope I can learn something different every day. I am still learning about myself, I am convinced it is an ever evolving cycle. Just when we get a handle on one thing we are given another. I am grateful for trials, curve balls. EVERYONE has trials, just because one person's trials may seem impossibly hard and another persons may seem trivial- we never know until we walk in their shoes. I am thankful I get to learn from trials. I am grateful for modern medicine and that insulin works, my husbands life depends on it. (I guess by default I have to be grateful for insurance, even though we hardly get any diabetic coverage- truth tea.) I am grateful for health and a body that allows me to practice yoga and work it when I have time to. I am thankful for those that have hurt me, because through them I have learned how to forgive and I try every day to forgive people who have wronged me- it is still hard. But I am truly grateful that I have a mind and soul to be able to forgive and move forward in my life, despite others trying to hurt me. I guess I can't help but end on family. My parents are great examples, they have been through a lot and have come so far- they are proof to me that through hard work and unconditional love that anyone can make a marriage work. I look up to my Mom so much and am so grateful for everything she has taught me, she is one of my greatest friends. I am so grateful for my Dad, he always knows what to say and has helped me to grow and become a stronger woman. I am grateful for my sisters, they are examples of Mothers I can only hope to be, and Miss Madisen is always herself, I can only hope to develop that quality.  I am grateful for my Knight family I have the best in laws. Seriously, amazing. I love all of Brandon siblings and am always so impressed by them and the love they share. Again I am so beyond grateful for my boy, he is the light in my life. He makes me strive to be better in every way. My husband has helped me become the woman I am, I am so lucky to be married to him.

I hope we can all be thankful for the people and love we have in our lives.

Xo,
Kelli

girl friends

I have been lucky in life to always have some solid girlfriends in my life. Growing up I was in a neighborhood with roughly ten girls my same age- we were lovingly known as the Somerset girls. I spent the better part of sixteen years with these girls. Some of my great friends were made on dance teams throughout the years, I will always love those girls. When I went away to college my roommate Katie and I had the best friendship, we are kind of each others opposites and have so much fun together (she is moving to Utah in January!).  After I got married I was in la la love land with husband and he is and always will be my best friend.  I became really close with my co-coach at Davis- Terri and love her to death. These last two years I have gotten to know a group of girlfriends that I love with my whole heart, I always have so much fun and can be my crazy self. I sometimes feel like just as I get to find good friends they have to move away- which happened with a couple of my friends lately. But all in all I am just grateful tonight for friendship- for girls nights. I love my husband and son, but it is so nice to get out and just be one of the girls!

some writing

Hello! I haven't quite kept to my goal of once a week, but I did do an Archer journal-- so I am keeping up. We have been trying to soak up our last few weeks of summer and it has been hot!! Archer and I have gone swimming with our Grandma Payne and his Aunties on my side of the family.  We have gone to Real Soccer games the first with Archy babe (he did pretty well for his first sporting event!) and the next one we went on a regular date with our amazing friend Derek and Chelsi (We are so sad they are ditching us and moving to California! Hoping we can join them one day!) I am finding that I love getting out of the house, which is really messing with Archers nap schedule! But he does really well on the go and naps in his stroller frequently! (Still love my Britax B-Agile) Archer is expanding his food consumption, we tried sweet potatoes last night-- EPIC FAIL! He hated it, he kind of gagged and shook his head no really fast! I know my sisters think that I am lame with my diaper bags that I love, but I sold my Petunia Boxy and was just going to get another one (the new one with the whisper quiet closures!) but then I found the Ju-Ju-Be Bff and am having a debate on the one I want. I love the design and styling of the PPB, but the JJB meets all of my OCD organizational needs. Oh the fun of finding the perfect diaper bags! (My sisters like to make fun of me for my obsession with this stuff, hate on me haters! ;)...) Anyway, Archy babe is waking up from his nap and talking up a storm on my baby monitor (Angel Care), so I've got to go do the Mom thing!

Xo

Kelli

4 Months!!

-14.10 lbs (35%)

-26 Inches (55%)

-Rolls

-Talks

-Wiggles

-Extremely Active

-Constantly flailing around

-Likes to cuddle

-Sits up with assistance

-Ticklish on his neck and ribs, but only via kisses

-Takes about 4 naps a day

-Will eat anything you give him, so not picky.

-Started to fight the "going to bed" holding position. 

-Tricking him to sleep

-Loves, loves, loves baths.

-Sleeps in his Crib

-Acid Reflux

-Still likes to be rocked like he is on a roller coaster

-Loves being outside, it always calms him down

-When I kiss his cheeks he always turns and gives me big slobbery kisses

-Biggest Blue eyes ever. 

-Drooling monster

-Spit Up King

-Enfamil AR 

-Starting to transition from Bf to Formula

-Likes standing and sitting up better than laying down

-Great at focusing on things

-Can grab a toy and bring it to his mouth

-Reaches

-Again so so active and interactive

I think that is the majority of it! 

Archer is such an incredible blessing in our lives. I couldn't be happier being his Momma. Granted we have had ups and downs and Arch likes things done his way, but he has been the King of the house ever since he was born. The only thing he isn't picky about is food. He is typically a happy, flailing baby, unless he is hungry- we always joke that he has two levels 1 and 10, and when he is at a 10- you best be getting him food! I love him more than words could ever say, I miss him when he naps, but am always grateful to sit down for a minute. My life has changed immensely over the past couple months, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Loving my crazy beautiful boy. 

Xo,

Kelli

what I'm missing

I feel like my blog is missing the journaling aspect of my life. You know the thoughts, the good-bad-and ugly. So I am going to make a goal, here for all of the internet to see to journal at least once a week about my life.

This last week has been relatively low key, I spend days rocking my baby and running to McD's to get a (heaven forbid) full calorie coke. I went swimming with my sisters and Mom this week, I love when we all get together, I love that I am finally feeling closer to my sisters. Brandon has Tues and Thurs off so we try to spend time together on those days.  Nikki (my sister) melted my hair this week and I love it. I was her first melt and she freaking knocked it out of the park. She is talented.

Archer has discovered his voice more this week, he used to coo and growl mostly... but now he squeals and sings and yells to get our attention, he is pretty damn cute. He still hasn't slept through the night in a month, and I can't figure out why. I just keep trying to do his routine at night that got him to sleep through the night for those five glorious weeks prior. My boy is 26 inches long, he just keeps getting longer, but he is getting heftier too! It is getting harder to rock him to sleep (albiet he likes to go on a roller coaster ride to get rocked to sleep, weird child.) my arms get tried a lot quicker now. I have to do constant squats, while swaying side to side, and patting his bum, while keeping his binky in... the things you figure out when you become a Mom!!  Speaking of that, Archer didn't poop for 48 hours this week and when he did, oh my, it was intense- he fought an epic battle and filled up two diapers easy... It is weird when your life revolves around breast feeding and pooping...
Anyway, I never realized how many people would have an opinion on my child, people I don't even know have opinions on how to best parent your children.. weird, kind of, but I think everyone just thinks what works for them has to work for you- I think it comes from a good place.

B is such a good Dad, he and Archy babe play and Arch always smiles so big when Daddy comes home from work.  I think Archers favorite place is on our bed in between me and B. I love his laugh, I spend hours a day trying to hear it. He is truly such a blessing in my life, he has brought me and Brandon closer than we have ever been. I am so grateful for the things I learn about life and family from my little man. I am trying to be a better homemaker, but it is not a skill I am great at- I truly have to work to make myself do it, it isn't particularly hard I just would rather spend my time playing with my baby? Oh well, I will keep trying to do my best, best by my son and best for my husband. I think that is all of my thoughts for right now.

Xo,
Kelli

thoughts on the first trimester

(this post is more of a journal for me, please read if you want- but understand that I want to document these emotions so I can remember how I feel.) 


-The Beginning: I still find it surreal that there is a squishy little human growing inside of me, sometimes I don't believe that it's true. The baby is 3 inches long this week. I just really can't believe that I have a person growing inside of me. When we decided to start trying, in mid-May, I had been on birth control for seven years, so we thought it would take quite a while... well 45 days later we were pregnant, so it was an expected surprise, if that makes sense! I just cried when I found out, and I re-took pregnancy tests... like 4 of them. Just to be sure.

-Morning Sickness: what a bad name... it should be called all day/all night sickness.  The one saving grace of it, is usually if you are still sick- it means the baby is growing properly. So as much as I can imagine all women hate the constant nausea, at least you get some peace of mind. Phenegren has made it so I can somewhat function.

-Colds: during pregnancy are a joke. I have had this specific cold for three and a half weeks... seriously. I have had a hard time sleeping, I am constantly coughing- which half the time hurts my changing body... and I have no immune system, so I can't really fight it and I can't take much medicine for it... Good news baby is still nice a safe and warm in it's little home.

-Sex of the Baby: I really didn't understand before when people would say they didn't care what they had... but now I do... Brandon and I really could care less what it is, as long as it gets here safely.  I guess that's where faith comes in.  I mean of course I have visions of a little girl in leggings with chubby thighs hanging out the top in between that and a ruffle butt onesie- or  a little boy with thick curly hair that will be born off the charts in height and that will run around looking up to Bk, wanting to be just like his Dad- but still in love with his Mom... I have those things, but I would happily take either vision.

-Are we ready?: Of course not, but ready or not, here it comes- I guess at this point!  We have nights of panic where we think about how we have lived just us for close to five years and how do we add another tiny person into this mix- diapers, feeding, clothing, how am I going to be a parent, I hope I don't screw up this person I am growing thoughts.  There are just so many emotions involved with this evolution, plus you have crazy pregnancy hormones on top of it all... so every feeling and thought is amplified by one million.

-Complications: Around 9 weeks I had a threatened miscarriage and was in the Emergency Room for about six hours.  I never knew how much I wanted this child in my life until that moment, not that I didn't want it- I always did, but the thought of losing it had me broken down. (In fact I hadn't told my Family I was pregnant...I was so scared/stressed that on our way to the ER I called my Mom and said: I am 9 weeks pregnant and going to the emergency room at McKay Dee... and then I hung up the phone, she wanted to KILL me) It was one of the scariest days I can ever remember, it goes right up there with my Mom's cancer. Anyway, everything seems to be going okay now, but I am always scared... I wish I wasn't, but I am.

-Excitement: The thought of having a little family of three is just the best thing.  I am excited to see how we work as a family and how our lives will change and how we will become stronger and better... to see the moments of break down and stress, I know it is going to be hard... that's why Heavenly Father makes babies so cute, so we don't get mad when they wake us up every two hours to feed them and change them. I am so excited to see its personality, to see what it's going to be and look like, to see how it will grow... there is just so many things to look forward to. and I feel like it is baby season, I know SO MANY pregnant people. I am so grateful that we have this opportunity, unfortunately I am not one of those women who handle pregnancy with grace, I am a wuss. I have been sick. I stay home a lot because, everything smells bad, people, food, clothes, cars, everything. But I couldn't be more excited to be given this chance, I am so excited/scared to be a Mom and I hope I do this baby justice... it will come here perfect and I hope I can help it to grow into an amazing person.

That's all for now.

xoxo,

Kelli+squishy tiny human.

journaling

I guess it's weird to grow up sometimes.  I grew up in a neighborhood surrounded by tons and tons of friends.  There was about 12 of us girls, we ran and played and danced together for years and years.  Slowly as we have grown up and gone our separate ways I have lost my good group of friends... not that it is anyones fault... life just gets in the way.  I sometimes miss being able to always have someone to go shopping with, or that you can call up last minute to go see a chick flick.  It seems like everything has to fit into a schedule... Which I am completely guilty of, with my ocd planning three months in advance, some days though... like today, I want a girl day. A day where I go shopping, have lunch, and go see a chick flick... just because that's what girls do.   My husband is my best friend, but boys just don't love shopping and chick flicks. (the food he can handle.) So I guess the moral of my random thoughts today is I would really like to not live in North Ogden so I can live in a neighborhood with young adults my age, to make friends to go to Cherry Hill with, to become a non blood related Aunt to my friends children, because they see me so often they think that I am family... is it crazy to crave that.  My family is amazing and they are my best friends, they know everything about me... and love me anyways :) but sometimes I just really want a girl friend. So sue me. Happy Weekend.

The City That Never Sleeps

wow... what a crazy quick weekend trip to NYC!
I had a great time... here is my break down.

Wednesday: Took the Red eye, arrived Thursday morning at 5:30am
Thursday: Headed into the City to our hotel and did a quick change for our tour of The Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island... What an experience to stand in that building, the room that you stand in was so sacred... thinking of how many others had passed through the exact spot staring out to the ocean they came from on one side, to the city where they could build their dreams on the other... I was blown away and shed a few tears, cheesy maybe, but I couldn't have been in a cooler place.  Lady Liberty is way way bigger than I thought... just sayin'... here are a few pictures from that day

 view of financial district from Battery Park

 Pretty Lady

 My girls, getting their educational value in :)

 My soul sister, Terri and I

 just me... love this pic. (thx ter)

 view of the city from Liberty Island, 

can you spot the missing twin towers?

 Ellis Island- Main Hall

 stunning right?

 the architecture is incredible

poser.

Thursday PM: We then took a quick cat nap for an hour and headed out for dinner at Ellen's Stardust Diner and taking in some sights at Time Square... the energy their is insane... from the people, the use of energy... all of it was so overwhelming.

 crazy face for our first Subway adventure

 typical

loving the city w/ some d'ettes

Friday:

Was an incredible day... we started out at Rockefeller Center and went all the way to the top and saw the best views of the city... we then headed out to Saint Patrick's Cathedral, The Plaza Hotel, Walked 5th Ave., ate lunch at Sarah Beth's on Central Park, then ventured to Canal Street, boy was that sketchy... everyone should do it once, with a big strong male Fowler family member to usher you around... We took a mini break to change for our theater night and headed out to see Mary Poppins! It was the cutest show I have seen, so funny and very uplifting... we ended the night at Roxy's Delicatessen, had some yummy cheesecake and onion rings... random combo, yes. Also I kinda like the Subway system, it's definitely dirty, but so efficient.

 this is the infamous ice skating rink at the Rock

 Rockefeller

 Radio City, NBC owned this city block

 Libby, Colie, and I at the Top of the Rock

 some of my cute girls

 Terri and I (empire state in the back)

 best view ever. 

 HSM

 Saint Patrick's Cathedral

China Town- Canal Street

Saturday:

Was our competition, I was up the whole night with a migraine... I was lucky enough to have a family in the group that were two priesthood holders for the LDS church who gave me a healing blessing, and honestly I could not have made it through the day without, thank you so much for helping me in that way... sure do love that family... anyway... I had a rough start to the morning, but got there and the girls did great. Their Military that day was flawless and was so great you could feel their love of team coming out when they danced.  We didn't walk away with Grand National Champ but we got 4 1st's and 2 2nd's... which I will take happily! I had to go back to the hotel and sleep off my migraine, so I put my old lady self in bed and didn't go out my last night in the big city, but you do what you gotta do... Sunday we came home after a two and half hour delay. 

I loved visiting the city, I don't know if I could live there... but man what energy... the pace of life is intoxicating, you want to go so fast there. I will visit again I am sure, but I was so happy to return to my Wasatch Mountains and open sky.  Loved the trip, loved the company on the trip even more.

That's all for tonight!

xoxoxoxo,

Kelli